apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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