apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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