i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
