Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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