Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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