nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
