remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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