Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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