chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
