tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
