My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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