Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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