At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
