You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
