He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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