so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
