U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
this hospital has no fireball
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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