you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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