New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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