I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
