If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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