This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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