just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
