Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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