$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
