Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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