Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
