: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
