he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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