Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
