Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
