yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
