i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
