don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
