I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
