i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
