I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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