on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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