So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
