thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im six kinds of drunk right now
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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