mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
