why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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