there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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