discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
