You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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