apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
