We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
