..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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