My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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