I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
