he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i think im in europe. pls send help
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
