She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
