In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
