You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
