Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
