The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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