i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
