if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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