she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
